I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
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Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.