Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
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Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry