I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
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Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
huge if true: the moon
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.