I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
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I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
A choir of Spring onions
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.