You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
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the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society