shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
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“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
This January has 47 Mondays
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀