All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
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Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it