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This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*