*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
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*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Favourite diary entry ever
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.