My boss called in sick of me
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For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
For those that worship cheese..
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*