INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
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4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Hmmmmm
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.