Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
the short answer to this question
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.