I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
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Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.