If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
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I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.