The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
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Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night