At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
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My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
can you read it!!??
maan!
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.