Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
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There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”