If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
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We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here