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DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea