I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
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I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.