*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
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*lint rolls you awake*
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Important
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to