Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
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MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Chicago sounds lovely.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Just as the prophecy foretold
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.