*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
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Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
any last words?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Salad is the decaf of food.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
A friend sent me this.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Truth
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.