SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
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Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.