Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
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“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough