A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.