(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
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Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I think they could have phrased this better
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.