My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
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[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Someone just threatened to call me later
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too