My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
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My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.