[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
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Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Genius idea!!
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
lol
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.