haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
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Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
#StillHurts
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
opening twitter today
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working