ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
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Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.