Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
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[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I falcon love using swear birds
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that