I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
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I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
“just sayin” who asked you though?
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!