Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
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Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.