Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
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Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Discuss
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?