Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.