Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
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I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
So inspired right now.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!