[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
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Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
What an awful time to have common sense.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
pls suprot
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.