Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
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3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?