Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
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I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*