Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
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My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.