my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
You Might Also Like
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Please do it!
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups