Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
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yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents