TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
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me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”