When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
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Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.