Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
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Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Aight bet
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon