WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
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Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
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Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.