Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
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If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
If a snake ate a cake
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!