Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.